Who I Am

Song of Songs - The Beginning

Lately I’ve been reading through the Song of Songs using Dr. Brian Simmons’ Passion Translation. Similar to The Message, his translation is an accurate interpretation but Dr. Simmons focuses on the language of the heart. He’s looking at the allegory of the story, the Shulamite woman and the Shepherd King she is to marry representing Christ and His bride. Or, more personally, Christ and me. What is His heart for me? In this book, beyond the sexuality and sensuality that is present, what is Christ’s message to my heart?

Going through this will be a journey. My pacing has been slow and I have no timeline. But I figured this was as good a place as any to try out my thoughts, share what I’m discovering - for the 2 of you who read this. Maybe it’s just for me, anyway.

There are a few things so far in my study that I’m curious about. What is going on in the heart of the woman? What is her identity at the beginning of the story? Where does she struggle? Where is she resistant? Why is she resistant? How does the King treat her, call to her, see her? How does she change? I suspect believing that she is who the King says she is will bring powerful transformation for her.

I also suspect this is a message for every woman. I’ve met so many women who struggle with their identity or parts of their personality or how they are made and somewhere along the way, usually when conflict is handled poorly, have adopted a belief that something is wrong with them. They start thinking that they are too strong, too opinionated, too intimidating, too successful, too caring, too gentle… just not enough of something. This is also my own story.

I come from a long line of faithful, strong-willed, opinionated women. I was born that way. Apparently my first opinion was that no one around me was funny or entertaining because I’m told I didn’t smile for the first 8 months of my life. I like to say it was my first practical joke, that I was laughing on the inside. Laughter is plenteous now.

But in this environment of strong-willed women, I also developed a feeling of being overlooked. This I think has been the enemy’s greatest attack on my heart and my heaviest baggage. I was the least rebellious child, usually made good decisions, followed the straight and narrow and therefore required less from my parents. I always have. There is nothing wrong with that. I was a well loved and well adjusted child with a healthy independence. Yet the enemy turned that healthy independence into feelings of being overlooked and undervalued.

It has stayed with me. Even professionally I have often felt that same struggle. Several years ago, I was working with a college ministry and we were planning a training weekend for college students who were headed on overseas missions. The team planning the training was stuck because they were needing/looking for one more person with overseas experience to teach one of the trainings. I was qualified. I had lived overseas for 3 years doing the work these kids were going to do and I was qualified for even the specific topic. Yet, no one asked me. No one even thought of me. Again, the enemy used it to enforce feelings of unworthiness. It’s true, I could have spoken up, I could have volunteered, but I lacked the confidence to do so and besides, I wanted to be pursued. I wanted to be noticed and valued.

These feelings of being unnoticed and overlooked enforced lies that I began to believe about myself. I developed a belief that I was just average - in every category. Average personality, average talent, average looking, etc. Not worthy of being noticed, of having a role. And I interpreted everything through this lens. Another time I was playing Taboo or some game like that with my ministry team. The person giving the clue said, “Jana has lots of these!” and the whole team, in unison, yelled out “Opinions!” We laughed but of course I took that to mean that I had too many opinions and/or spoke them too freely and therefore that was wrong and I needed to speak less. Add “too opinionated and too loud” to the list of things wrong with me.

Thankfully God did not leave me in this lie filled bed of… well, self-pity really. Through the years and with the help of many friends (counselor, life coach…) along the way, I have worked through a lot of this. He has set me free. I am getting better at seeing myself the way He sees me, of owning who He has made me and freely stepping into it. That opinionated voice that was an easy Taboo clue is becoming a powerful voice for His glory.

Of course, that doesn’t mean that from time to time, I don't still struggle. There is wisdom in learning how to use our gifts and our identity. I’ve learned that through failure. Even recently in a meeting at work, I said something and then quietly pondered, “am I saying that only to be noticed?” The enemy is still at work to attack me, to convince me of my insignificance. The difference now is, I’m aware of it and I know what is true about me.

So what is the truth? Consider some of the words the King has for the Shulamite woman in Chapters 1 and 2. This is how Jesus sees us. This is who we are. Satan be damned.

“Let me tell you how I see you - You are so thrilling to Me….
Look at you, My dearest darling, You are so lovely!
You are beauty itself to me,
Your passionate eyes are like loyal, gentle doves….
Yes, you are My darling companion,
You stand out from all the rest,
for though the curse of sin surrounds you,
you remain pure as a lily, more than all others.”

Yes, I am. Yes, you are. This is only the beginning.